Commence Body Deflation

Snoring is by far the most aggravating aspect to lying beside a pregnant lady. I didn’t say worst, merely most aggravating. The worst part of course is the two body’s worth of lady I am now lying beside. I love my Lilly, but she’s just gotta get rid of this new imposter. I can’t recall when it started as pregnant days all meld together as one. But my sleep has been suffering because of it. She whales out torrents of noise pollution into the night louder than my father on one of his worst nights of belting. And this all is coming out of this beautiful lady lying beside me. I never thought women snored. They’re not supposed to. Did I mention I heard her break wind in her sleep once, she’s not suppose to do that either. She’s too cute for bodily fluids and obtrusive noises that pierce the tranquility of our home.

I started with wadded up toilet paper crammed in my ears. Kleenex is too thick and soft, it doesn’t ball up hard enough to prevent the incessant noise from penetrating my sensitive drums. My wads of Scottissue didn’t quite make the cut however. I graduated to sandwiching my head with a pillow as well. Of course this proved to be a mostly fruitless effort. I once saw an earplug back in my workshop at the parentals’ house. So I went and scoured their garage until finding the one plug. It took me quite a while to accept the fact that I needed to stuff my ears with plugs due to her snoring. I didn’t want to accept it. For one thing I was afraid of hurting her feelings. Although I had no problem with letting her know that she snores like a bear, so I don’t understand why I felt bad when it came to actually using earplugs. But nonetheless, I hesitated to use them. Also, they’re just not very comfortable. A lack of sleep will cause an individual to spare no effort. My one earplug afforded me the quiet solitude to once again achieve blissful sleep. The non-ear-plugged ear was smothered with a pillow, which blocks sufficient decibels.

Her snoring has slowly subsided as her body has slowly deflated. The fat was the culprit! Our theory is that her newly acquired fat, fat, fat, has plumpened up her olfactory system, hence the snoring. She is now eight weeks post pregnancy, and has lost over thirty-five pounds. A few more siphoned out and she will achieve pre-pregnancy weight at 136 golden pounds. I didn’t say pre-relationship weight, we can work on only one huge milestone at a time. Would you believe it that we pay 800 bucks a year to gain access to a fancy racquet and swimming club, for two years now, and she has only jiggled around in their many yoga-dance-pilates-bouncing-booby classes for merely three of those months? We sit in the sun and I swim laps when the surf is bad. Is that worth 800 smackers a year?

Now that The Boy is here I hesitate to use ear plugs. I want to be able to hear him in the night when he belts out pleas for comfort. I’m afraid that I will sleep through the waylon. Although my mind was slowly changing as it has become apparent that Lilly has to be the one to get up so he can eat. Her snoring has mostly subsided though.

This morning at around 3:00am, The Boy was causing a commotion with his waylon and hollering and kicking. He does this often while sleeping, usually on the nights we don’t slip him a shot of Old #7. Often he will doze off after a few minutes of this. But just as often he doesn’t, and one of us will either feed him, slip him that all important night time shot of Jack, or hold him until he slumbers. I had gotten up to see what was the matter, and Lilly yells, I mean yells at me to, “just put in your earplugs!”

Well shit, “I wasn’t going to pick him up, just making sure he was gonna fall back asleep. Dam. Fine I’ll put in my earplugs, then next time he starts crying you’ll have to get up.”

We don’t always yell like this. Only when we have kids...