The day after The Boy was pulled out into our world of pain and agony. Lilly needed to get off her ass and take some laps around the hospital halls. We were rolling around the nursing station when we pulled over to put The Boy’s beanie on. Just as I began stretching it over his 14 inch head a nurse walked by and offered her little touch of sarcasm with a smirk.
“Oh now, let’s see if daddy can put it on” she so giddily exclaimed, while trying to be funny.
I was bent over The Boy with the beanie stretched wide between my hands as I stopped and turned to look at her and paused when I met her eyes. She had a subtle look of being stunned, as if not knowing what my reaction would be to her remark. Without a smile on my face and a raised brow I said, “You’re gonna try and make me nervous now so I mess up?”
She giggled, then turned to head through the door she halted at while making her comment. I am not too upset that she would make such a comment. But I immediately realized the implications of her remark. It did occur to me that she may have not intentionally been trying to make a remark just to be sexist. But rather she was trying to be funny, her style. People often tend to be so used to how they react to the opposite sex and stereotypes that it is normal and comes readily to them.
I offered my observation to Lilly after the nurse disappeared behind the door. “Her remark seems to imply that women are inherently more capable of taking care of babies than men. As if women don’t have to learn methods of child-care and men do.” I noticed a different nurse sitting at the nursing station was overhearing what I was saying. I was glad of that.
“Yes, I agree. Sexist,” Lilly remarked in her post delivery delirium. Lilly backed up my feelings completely. Often I feel pride that Lilly is a very strong willed career woman who runs her own team at the office. Of course this has gotten me into trouble more than not when it comes to these matters, but that day I was glad.
Did I interpret this wrong? Was the nurse being sexist, and if she was was she even aware of it? Are people so accustomed to their ways that they don’t even realize their own slight level of sexism, racism, and all the other isms? If Lilly was putting the beanie on The Boy, would the nurse have said the same thing to her? (I imagine the nurse saying, “oh how cute” instead.) Who knows? Either way, I am beginning to see and hear other similar forms of fatherly-ability-doubts as I openly tell people that I am going to be the one staying home with my son. Isn’t life great?
Thursday, August 7
Sexism By Nurse
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9 commentary:
Interesting observation. I guess you are probably right. I know that in my life my husband is more of an feminist that I am. I generally lean toward a traditional set-up, for example I like him to drive when we are together. And he is the one to actually pay the check at a restaurant. In my way I guess I am a sexist sometimes. But I guess it is the way I was raised. I am not saying its right, its just the way it is sometimes.
But as for fatherhood. I know that some may think women are more naturally prepared for it, but I would disagree. I know without a doubt that my hubby could do at least as well as I can raising my babies. He is a total natural with newborns and can calm even the most colicky of babies. A stay at home dad puts a smile on my face. I couldn't give up my time with my kids but sometimes I would love Landon to take over. Good for you guys! I know you will be great, and you will be surprised how many there are around here.
Sometimes it seems a person themselves can fall victim to the views of isms. My husband is a stay at home dad also and our son is just barely younger than yours. At first he deferred to me on almost everything as if the manual for baby raising came packaged in with my DNA. I wish I was winging it just like everyone does. He's now been home with the 'Lil man for a month and I'm happy to say he's very confident in his abilities. He is also now the supreme authority when it comes to the 'Lil man. So some isms can be gotten past.
I think you're right on in your assessment. I also encountered a nurse offering similar comments during our hospital stay. It was completely off-based especially since I grew up with five brothers and two sisters, many of which are younger than me. When my son was born my wife had never changed a diaper...ever. I had plenty of experience and knew what I was doing. But I don't let these comments bother me. They're based on stereotypes that originated during an era when mothers were solely responsible for the care of children. Times have changed but, unfortunately, some people still hold onto the ideals of the past.
People DON'T think, that's the problem lol! Sometimes, your background in the social sciences, especially sociology, may put you ahead of the game as far as recognizing that stuff. I know it has for me at times. Silly nurse... Just because you didn't birth the child doesn't mean you can't put a HAT on him!!!!
Funny thing is when it comes to our spousal role changes, we both come from very much traditional families. Now Lilly works and I play house. For various reasons it just worked out better that way. I still feel guilty every time I pull out my credit card that draws from her account! (And she pays at dinner) What’s a guy to do… Oh yeah, raise kids!
Yeah Katie, I actually met a dude a block away from me that stays at home and raises his two toddlers. And at Trader Joes in the Riviera the other day there was a guy with a baby in a stroller and a toddler on his back in the middle of the day, funny stuff. So they are out there, I just need to start saying hi.
Velody you bring up a good and touchy point about your hubby being the authority when it comes to the Lil Man. Along that some lines my Lilly already feels jealous that I spend all day with him. She asks about everything he did when she was gone, and she feels left out when I tell her about his personality changes and everyday mannerisms. Do you get jealous that he gets to spend all day with him? I would imagine so.
Speaking of diaper changes Ivegas, and gender specific abilities. We brought Lillys sister to San Fran this week to watch the boy while we were at a wedding. Well, she put his diapers on backwords all day. A silly thing, but it simply shows that everyone has a learning curve and male and female inherent child raising abilities are the same! Who spends more time with them generally learn more sooner, right?
Tough Cookie I’ll tell ya, at some points I felt as though I did give birth to that child. Her aches and pains radiated to me by osmosis!
Welcome to the world of parental sexism. Most of the male bloggers you find will have commented on this a time or three.
Why, just recently, I sent Johnson and Johnson (you know, The "Family" Company) a scathing e-mail regarding a new commercial they have out where they infer that husbands aren't terribly "bright."
It's everywhere.
But to the nurse's defense, I'm sure she sees it all--good and bad. Hopefully though, she'll learn.
Yeah I have seen a lot of the sexism discussions among the other father bloggers. It's odd how an individual doesn't pay much attention to such matters (like me) untill they are part of an institution being treated poorly (like me).
There's an opposite side to this. I felt as though I was supposed to know everything already. Imagine how badly I freaked out when I bit my son's finger while trying to carry him around and eat my sandwich. I still can't eat pickles on a sandwich because the crunch causes flashbacks. He was fine, minor laceration, no stitches, just antibiotic ointment and a bandage...but still.
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