Excuse Me While I Cry

He is tumultuous as a winters wind storm bestowing fierce gusts of blistering bellows of wind and water upon the open sea. Sometimes I feel as though my lungs are being squeezed. Breath is so distant, hard to get down. I have a difficult time dealing with the incessant crying. He does not always cry, in fact he is a rather good baby as baby’s go, but on occasion it seems as though it will last for hours. Oh daddy, he cry’s, help me, comfort me. But I can’t always. I find myself pacing the house with him straddled between my right hand and left arm, body hanging rigid with sobs of discomfort in front of me. Today as we lay beside one another in my room, I prayed for support. I actually lay there and prayed. My heart aches to offer him comfort. I asked for the knowledge to know what to do. I didn’t ask for him to just stop crying. But rather I pleaded for the ability to know what it is that I need to do to help my son be calm. I prayed for understanding and I prayed for my strength, my peace of mind and stability. I proclaimed to myself that I am open and willing to acquire the knowledge to be a good parent. I promised myself and God that I will do what is necessary to gain this knowledge.

The feeling is as though I just lost a good friend, or recently broke up with a loved one. It is as an unending sorrow that cannot be soothed. My soul aches for resolve. Upon deep pondering of my feelings I have realized that my desires are mostly selfish ones. I want my son to be comforted so that I will be at peace. I don’t want him to ever cry throughout the day because it is bothersome to me. How can I ever get anything done when he wants to be held or touched all the time? The only time of day I can accomplish my tasks is when he sleeps or right after he eats while he will bare being in the bouncer seat for a short time. I also have feelings of resentment because I can no longer pursue my fine art photography with him around, and I can’t go run off and surf whenever I want. I feel guilty because I am hard to will myself to hold him as much as he needs. He is so young and inexperienced. As of now he knows that there is this being beside him that will comfort him when he cries, feed him when he hungers, change him when he’s soiled and make him smile when he needs stimulation.

But time will help me cope with the task I have taken upon myself to fulfill. The task I have promised Lilly I will fulfill. My boy needs me. My boy he wears me out.



I wrote that a month ago in my computer written journal. I had an extraordinarily exhausting day at home with my son. I did not intend on publishing it here. I wrote furiously to get it out, now you have seen it unaltered. I am posting it because it is somewhat liberating to know that people will see my raw emotions for what they truly are. I don’t personally know anyone that reads this blog, I have not told any of my friends or family about it. My girlfriend Lilly knows about it, but she does not read it. I share some posts with her, only the ones I want her to read. I want to be able to write my feelings without fear, and I fear expressing too much emotion to people I know. Expressing emotions to my family is very difficult for me. I would never show this post to them, or to Lilly. I couldn’t bear to know that they know I am capable of these fierce emotions, and faith. Silly as that is, it is true. So excuse me while I cry a little.