Cruising along the beach a month ago on a lazy weekend with our five-buck caffeine fixes in hand we pulled over to check out the waves after a long morning of investing even further into debt. After Lilly’s white-mocha-frappa-cappa-no-whip-chino kicked in to overdrive, she once again spilled forth the weight that has been bearing down on her unsuspecting womb, on my unsuspecting scrotum. Relentlessly, she has been pounding me with a strong maternal desire to reproduce more clones. Her desire to have another child has my drawers all in a bunch. During our conversation I said, “You’re going to come home from a doctor visit one day without getting that birth control shot. I just know it, you so will.”
“Ahhah! No. I wouldn’t do that,” she swore.
I afforded her a glance, then we both sat in contemplation in front of the pounding waves and a frolicking pack of surfing dolphins. After several minutes of musing with my uncertain thoughts, I realized the possible truth behind my jest and said, “Yeah. I’m going to every doctor visit with you now.”
Her non-response and sideways smirk was enough to convince me.
A few days later while being entertained by our boy crawling around the house Lilly spoke to me while making googly eyes with Mr Pants, “We have the cutest baby ever.”
“Uh-huh. Sure we do,” I doubted.
“He is just the cutest.” Now she spoke directly to him as if he actually understood, “Hi, do you know you’re the cutest kid ever. I wonder what the next one will look like.”
“We may never know…” I spoke on behalf of Mr Pants.
While giving Lilly the evil eye I said, “When is your next doctor’s appointment anyway? Because I am going to be there, I’ll tell you what, uh-huh,” I said with my best Texan accent.
She glanced over at me with a smirk, knowing what I was driving at, “Oh yeah, it’s on your birthday.”
“What! Yeah that’s a great birthday present…you come home without getting another shot…”
“No, actually that will be my last shot,” she said with an excited expression. “On your birthday. I’m getting shot on your birthday, for the last time. Then we can be pregnant in March. And then you can detach your nuts from your body.”
“Wonderful.”
That night while I was slaving in the kitchen making Indian food and drowning my foreseen future in Yellow Tail wine she said, “I want two boys”
“Yeah, ya know, I don’t want to accidently have a girl so perhaps we shouldn’t take a chance.”
Disclaimer: Since October, Lilly has been harassing me. She wants another baby, a boy to be specific. She has been relentless in her quest to convince me to say yes. Her attempts to persuade me have increasingly become more consistent, and her methods more extreme, as I will reveal in later posts. I have a back log of conversations such as this one. My previous posts on this subject are listed below. You may be wondering if I concoct all this dialogue up in my head or if it was actually said. My laptop is always at my side while at home, so as often as not, I am typing during conversations or right after they occur. Sometimes she catches me, and I am forced to show her. Fortunately I write the narrative later, so she doesn’t see all of my wonderful insights.
A guy will say anything...
Don't You Dare!
Kitty Or Kiddy?
Sunday, January 4
...Then You Can Detach Your Nuts
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11 commentary:
Have her call me. I'll be happy to fill her in on all the glory that is "Having Two Boys."
- the fights
- the whining when one boy has a toy that the other boy was previously and completely uninterested in
- the urine that drips down the side of the commode and pools on the floor, and in the rug, from their inability (or concern) to aim
- how much friggin food they can eat
- how much friggin food they say they want, and then don't eat
- how, when you're sitting downstairs and their upstairs playing, you can't hear your television due to the pounding going on above your head
- the number of things you have to fix in your house because they break EVERYTHING!
I could, and will be happy to, go on...
Those jewels are as good as gone Jay! You might as well just hand them over now...wait you still need to use them for #2 don't you?
I second everything your first commenter said.
I just went through detaching my nuts from my body! And by detaching my nuts, I mean having a vasectomy. And by having a vasectomy, I mean OW.
Hmm. I'm not helping at all here. Sorry.
Okay Jay - just give in already. Number Two is gonna happen one way or another. (Not sure what I meant by that but I do mean one way or another it will happen with YOU not someone else.)
But I know if you admit you're into it, then all of this fab blog fodder will go away. But it's obvious that you are a kick-ass dad and giving your lil' guy a sib is what it's all about.
But the convos are fun to read...and boy you're photos are seriously good.
Yours are detachable? That is so handy.
Dude, just realize it's going to happen and you'll be a happier person. Besides, 2 isn't twice as hard thankfully. My kids are about 2.5 years apart and it's just about perfect.
Besides, with your talented bits, you should be able to throw a curve and get a girl. Give in, but don't give up ;)
If you'd put that laptop on your lap, you may fry your future children and you won't have a thing to worry about. Just a suggestion.
I have two boys now. It isn't all that bad. Of course, if you do decide to go with this plan for another child and she has a girl, you may be obligated to try for another. Also, Momo Fali has a great idea. Keep that laptop on your lap and you'll fry those little swimmers.
Postulate This: That’s a magnificent list….I will forward it promptly to the Lillster.
Austin Power: Yes, Lilly wants me to use them for #2. And that’s just it, I want to detach my nuts prior to obtaining #2, effectively disabling me from having any more #’s other than 1. Doh.
Dumbass: I concur, repeatedly.
Good: Yes! I want a vesoctomy. Now. In fact, two week we came home from the hospital with our current ankle bighter, I told Lilly I wanted one. Never thought I would be fighting to have my nuts detached, ever… I remember when you had your nuts detached, I went and reread your post for the motivational factor.
Queen Lee: Hey thanks! Yeah, I think you may be right, one way or another. Really, how can I say no forever when she is so set on it? Perhaps I am just delaying the inevitable…doh.
DC: Oh yeah man, you mean your nuts aren’t detachable? Comes in handy.
M: ‘Give in, but don't give up.’ That’s a good line, really. But it’s just so haaaard to give in….waaaaaaw.
Momo: YES! Fry those lil’ suckers. I could say yes to having another one, then she won’t be upset with me, and all the while frying the lil’ swimmers so we won’t get preg anyway. Brilliant. Maybe I should carry my cell phone in my front pocket for a backup precaution.
Vegas: Uhm, you work and your woman stays home right? And, yeah I’ve heard of that happening, where people keep trying for a boy until they have a whole houseful.
Thanks for reading guys! Keeps me sane.
Wonderful and beautiful article my mother had recommended me this blog so I had never visited it, now I think I'm gonna visit this blog every night or at least when I get enough time.
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