Neighborly Feuds, Keep Me Out Of It

          Neighborly Feuds, Keep Me Out Of It

It’s funny how when someone talks trash about someone else, especially before you really know that person, it sways your view of them. As if what you heard about them is the truth and nothing but the truth. Funny how that happens yes? Well, BLONDIE here, talked smack about her neighbor the first time I met her. A lot of smack. So much smack that I knew, right away that they were having a neighborly feud. (Which I later found out to be true. A major feud too.) So my views of him have been tainted already.

After Mr Pant’s ATE A CEMENT SAMMICH the other day, I took him back around the block on the skateboard one last time. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be scared of the board. Luckily he wasn’t. But he was scared of the helmet because one time it pinched his skin when I was snapping it on. Go figure. But during our victory lap we ran into the neighbors behind our house again. The guy I PREVIOUSLY referred to as ‘somewhat of a crusty sort of guy’. The first time I MET HIM, he invited me to a playdate before introducing himself.

Blondie and her 2.5yo boy and 5 month boy live right next door to that guy. My boy really clings to this kid too, they adore each other already. He’s actually larger than my boy, which is unusual to find, for the age. And the kid was outside playing, while his dad watched from inside the house. But this dude next door to them, now referred to as the ‘Crusty Guy’ (but I usually refer to him by his ethnicity because I can never remember his name, but Lilly thinks I should stop saying it because someone somewhere might be offended) caught us just as we were passing his house, nearly got away, nearly. So I showed him The Boys battle scars.

Again he mentioned the playdate that ‘he originally started’. OooOOooh. And then he whipped out a pen and sheet of paper from his back pocket and wrote down the names, emails, socials, date of births, shoe sizes, and bowel habits of my entire family. I was reluctant to give up the info, but what could I do. Tell him we don’t believe in e-mail?

This whole time, that 2.5 year old neighbor was outside playing on his porch. You know, the boy that my boy is perfect for. He’s bigger than Mr Pants, so if they wrestle my boy won’t get kicked out of the mosh pit like I always was because I was bigger than most of my friends. Just picture Arny wrestling an office jockey. That kid was outside playing, and his dad who I hadn’t met yet was going in and out of the house doing stuff, but this Crusty Dude was talking my frickin ear off, and I was suppose to be leaving for my brothers house, so I didn’t have much time. Lilly was probably already waiting for us on the porch. Damnit all I wanted was to go meet my boys future best friends dad, damnit.



Then Crusty Dude told me about dislocating his daughters elbow. It sounded as if he was warning me about yanking on my kids arm when we skate, as if he was giving me fatherly wisdom I was clueless to. So after he was all done, and just to make his story feel unnecessary, as if, duh dumb shit, I already know that you’re not suppose to yank on your kids arm to pick him up. I told him about my shoulder and it’s dozen dislocations and two major surgeries and a lifetime of pain that I have. “yeah, I am very conscience about pulling on my boys arm. It actually gives me the willy’s when I see people do it because I know how easily they can be injured like that.” Really, all I wanted to do was nullify his pitiful speech. But really, more than that, I just wanted to get him to stop talking to me so I could go. And what better way than making someone feel like what they are saying is a bore. I’m an ass, I know.

You know, meeting and greeting and dealing with neighborhood families, now that I have a family with kids, can be fun, and a pain in the ass at the same time. Sure, we are in a new neighborhood now, trying to meet all new people and kids, so it’s going to take a while to discover who I want to hang out with and who I want to avoid. Or who wants to avoid me… But one thing I will try and do is stay out of other peoples drama. These two families, neighbors, have a bitter feud going on, and they are both trying to befriend me and my kid, and so far they have both talked shit about each other to me. Oh the madness of neighborhood politics! Make it stop!