I got royally busted. I ditched the last two mommy and me classes. Lilly was ready to castrate me. So I hopped on the net and searched for a replacement activity for me and the boy. I mean kids, I have two now. Low and behold, I discovered a stay at home dads group. They are based in S. Pasadena. A burb of LA, about 25 miles north-east of me. But my brother actually lives right up there, so now my weekly Tuesday routine will be to go to the SAHD group in the morning, then go hang at my bros house with his wife and Mr Pants’ two cousins the rest of the day. So it works out good.
There was about ten guys there. Every week they meet at a park in the Pasadena area. They’re all pretty cool dudes as far as I can tell. But I just couldn’t help but wonder, what are their stories? How did these guys come to be stay at home dads? Maybe ones an out of work actor? Or that guy got laid off and couldn’t find another job? Maybe that dudes wife is raking in millions so why work? That other dude is a high school dropout and addicted to online video games so he had nothing going for him anyway so might as well stay home? That dude is crippled and can’t work? What’s the real story behind the diaper bag yielding dads? But why do I automatically think there is a negative reason why they are doing it? As if they were forced into raising their kids out of uncontrollable circumstances and they would rather not be doing it. I am a stay at home dad, and even I can’t help but feel there is a stigma that shadows a group of people diverting from societies norms and forging a new path. As if a man should feel or be shamed for staying home to raise his kids.
But are these feelings a result of how our society views it, or how I believe our society views it? Or how I view it regardless of what other people think? But they are brief feelings that I don’t dwell much on. In fact, I feel slightly shamed for even thinking it. After all, I am at home with my kids. And yes, in fact I was forced into being a stay at home dad. I’ve never admitted that here, but I was. Perhaps subconsciously I feel resentment and anger for having being forced to do it. Not forced by my wife, but by my situation. By the unforeseen and unctrollable circumstances that befell me. Either way, for my own sake I need to disregard any negative feelings I have about men staying at home. If for any reason at all, simply to not feel bad about my own situation. To learn to fully accept it and perform my fatherly duties to the best of my ability without the stigma hindering me.
But anyway, my first day at the group we sat around shooting the shit in the park while our kids ran amuck. It’s amazing how quickly the conversation turned from me discussing mommy and me classes, and how lame it is having to hang out with a room full of thirty women, being the sole father there, to how my brother found a lump on his right nut. Which inevitably lead to discussing wether or not he should get a prosthetic nut or not. I’m all for it, hey he went to get a vasectomy and left the office with a scheduled ultrasound to see if the lump is cancerous or benign. So why not consider a prosthetic, he wanted his nuts detached anyway. It would be the ultimate birth control. No risk of a botched procedure right? Human neutering. It’s the new vasectomy.
But I didn’t want to talk about nuts, just for the sake of talking about nuts. It was a legitimate discussion about my brothers’ nuts and how they might be cancerous nuts. And I couldn’t have talked about my bro’s nuts with the mommies at the mommy and me classes. Sure, I have no doubt that mommies discuss the state of nuts amongst themselves, but not with me. And why would I ever talk about nuts with people that don’t have nuts? They just can’t relate, they don’t have adequate input on the topic of nuts. So it was nice to be able to stand around in a circle of dudes without fear of bringing up my brothers lumpy nuts. And if that is the best reason I will ever come up with to hang with a bunch of stay at home dads, then I’m all for it. Bring on the nuts.
Tuesday, June 8
My Stay At Home Dads Playgroup Discuss Nuts
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10 commentary:
I think it's one of the best things ever when my husband found a local stay at home dads group. Just like you I always wonder what brought them to stay at home and normally it's for pretty simple reasons. 1 guy is a freelance graphic designer so still works on the side, and many of the others it's just they believe someone should stay at home and Mom had the better career job (our situation actually).
I know the worry of the 'stigma' from society. Though I don't normally think of it sometimes I feel like when I tell people he stays at home they see me as less of a mom since I take on many more of the typical male roles of provider. That it's my husband who knows just how to calm our toddler son when he's upset and what his current favorite food is, not me.
Awesome though you found a group where you can actually relate. For us it's been the greatest thing for our family. Not only are there people he can relate to now but the group does semi regular family things on the weekend so the wives can get involved. At those I finally can talk to other mom's that I can relate too.
glad you could find a more suitable group. the topic of human neutering just makes me think of a product that we always laugh at work about, which is testicular implants for pets.
http://www.neuticles.com/
in all seriousness hope your brother's tests return with good news. :)
While I don't suggest you talk "nuts" with just anyone, but women do have an intimate relationship with nuts and while it's not "first person" so to speak, they do have a unique perspective.
Nice that you've found other SAHDs. While I do not want to perpetuate the dad at home negative stereotype, I too admit that when I hear about a stay at home dad, the first thing I think is "I wonder why he had to do that?". I'm always a bit nonplussed when I find it was by choice and desire. Then I think, "how cool!". I'd like to get to the point where my first thought is the "how cool" not the "why?".
(best of luck to your brother...)
Yeah... I saw that SAHM group NOT going very far. So glad you found one that you feel like you fit in with! And you get the bonus of your kids playing with their cousins!
Good luck to your brother and his results.
Look at this, not one SAHD has anything to say about my SAHD feelings concerning SAHDs. Sad. But hey, thanks chickys!
Susan I didn’t really think about the womans point of view. How you also feel some of the negative aspects of it. I’m glad you brought that to my attention. And that’s a great idea for the SAHD group to have family get togethers with the wives. I’m actually going to bring that up with my fellow sahds’s. Thanks for the valuable input Susan.
God lord Laura, that is freeking hilarious. Neuticles, hah! My dads a Vet, so I’m going to ask him about those. Wonder if he’s ever had patients request them. How absurd really… As if a dog needs nuts.
Yes LoJo! Doesn’t everybody do that, ask themselves ‘why is he staying home?’ I suppose it’s just normal behavior to wonder why someone is doing things different than most people. Sure we SAHDs get lookd, but that’s to be expected.
Dawn, you should have told me months ago to drop out of the SAHM group…..I would have listened, really. And I’ll let you know how my brothers nuts end up.:)
I'm new here and not sure how you became a stay at home dad. By choice or by situation.
But whatever the reason I think it is important to have a group of "someones" to bounce shit off of. There is a right one out there for everyone.
Anyways that is my two cents. : )
I really enjoy your writing sytle.
I give major props to any parent who stays home with the kids. Man, woman, nuts, or no-nuts.
Ok, I'll comment as the resident SAHD and member of KCDADS.
Sure there is a stigma. The thought that maybe SAHDS can't find work or are to incompetent to work. Maybe we drank on the job or have a pending sexual harassment lawsuit against us and have to "register" our address.
I just joke about it, as you can see from above. Then I go to the park AND the pool in the same day and think to myself: Everyone can suck it, this is awesome, where's my suntan lotion. For people's attitudes to change they have actually got to met the people, get to know them.
I'm glad you found a group. And if you want to see what a SAHD group does, I invite you to visit the KCDADS blog at: http://kcathomedads.blogspot.com/ I know, shameless plug but it will also show you how awesome a SAHD life can be. Our view is that it is a total family thing. So we do Dad's night out, the wives have a wives night out, christmas party, summer picnic, etc. That's how you fight the stigma, putting the word out that we are not deadbeats and that the case against me was dropped, hand to god.
I did the mom group and it was weird for everyone involved. Next go out with your group with 10 dads with 10 strollers. It's a whole different reaction, trust me:)
Yeah Soccer Mom, that’s really the heart of this. It really is important to have a group of people that you can relate to. Sure it’s largely about the kids, so a mommy and me class would be important for them. But it is also about the parents, so damnit, I want to hang with some dudes.
Momo, Nuts, yeah it drives me nuts. :)
Thanks for that Hoss. As you mentioned it was tough hanging out with the moms group, some of the guys at my SAHD group have said the same thing. It’s reassuring to be able to talk to other guys that are doing the same thing I am.
Laura I asked my Vet father about Neuticles. He said that he rarely gets clients that ask about them, but when he does he tells them “to go somewhere else to get them”. He thinks they are silly.
Nope, "nutz" are not topical at a Mommy and Me class. In fact, I'm impressed you even attend those at all. Even my wife won't go to those because she is inevitably singled out because she works.
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