I have to wipe his what?: 12/1/10

Blog Marketers Can Suck It, Again

I get marketers peddling their shit to me all the time. They always want me to advertise their products on my site, for free. I’m still amazed at how often I get these e-mails. I often respond to their spam and ask for compensation. Of course they won’t do it. And most often, because of my blunt and sarcastic response, I get no response in return. But occasionally, they e-mail me back. And it’s great. Really makes my day. Nothing funnier than talking shit to a spammer blog marketer when they actually respond to it. I actually feel so embarrassed for them, I can hardly open their response e-mail. I first posted one of these correspondences here at, Blog Marketers Can Suck It.

So this will be my second installment in my now ongoing series ”Blog Marketers Can Suck It.” And it’s awesome. You really need to read this guys response to me. My inner dialogue is in parenthesis.

E-mail Title: Industry First with Ford's New (Enter Shitty Car Name Here)

E-mail content: The holiday season’s hustle and bustle….. (Ok, who gives a shit. The e-mail was two full pages pitching their new car. Two pages of nonsensical bull, an entire commercial layed out in text. They tried to convince me how awesome and absolutely essential their car was to me, as if I wouldn’t survive the holidays unless I went out and bought it right away. Pfftt. Anway…)

Here is my thoughtful reply to the marketing spammer:

Excellent, so you are presenting me with a new Ford? Where do I pick it up? And can I get a full tank of gas with that?

Wait a sec....were you asking me to advertise your new car on my blog for free? Without compensating me? Is that really what Ford has to resort to these days? Seems like very poor marketing skills there Mr Vinti. You see, we live in a world of reciprocity. You do me a favor, and I give you a reach around in return, that's how these things work. So when you want to send me a large brief case full of cash, or a year supply of gas, or a brand new Ford, then we can talk about advertising. If not, then if I were you I would just quit, because asking for something, for nothing in return, is bad marketing skills. Good luck on finding any suckers to do your advertising for free.

Doesn't matter anyway. You would be asking in vain. I'm a Chevy man. Asking me to advertise a ford on my site would by high treason. Mutiny. Shameful. I wouldn’t buy a Ford if it was the last shitty car on earth, buddy. You know, I just might give you a write up for free now that I mention it. Thanks for the post idea....

His reply to my reply:

Hi Jay, (Ahh he used my name, what a pleasent personal touch.)

Though I’m happy to have received a response from you(riiight), I’m sorry to see that you feel that we had the intentions of getting free advertising on your blog(as if you didn’t want free advertising?). I would like to take the opportunity to clarify this misunderstanding in addition to several other actions that were unfortunately misconstrued.(Quite unfortunate indeed sir.)

First and foremost, we reached out to you to keep you informed about a vehicle that we feel is a perfect fit for family life.(So…then you were just sending me my very own personalized advertisement? Just for little old me?) We in no way expected to compel you to write something on your blog.(Backpeddling much? Doesn’t matter, because I have been totally compelled. You’re good, you are sooo good. You deserve a raise buddy) I had actually come across your site in researching blogs that are focused on fatherhood and parenting. Since we plan on having some fun(but this has been so much fun already, how could it get any funner than this?) promotions and initiatives for bloggers in 2011, we preferred to start things off by introducing you to the vehicle as news of its features was released.(So you are starting off giving me loads of free loot, by trying to sell me a 30,000 dollar car? Uh huh. What, do I get a free toaster with that? Perhaps a bumper sticker or tailgate hitch?)

If you have no interest in being kept in the loop about these initiatives as we move forward with them, I am more than happy to take you off of our outreach list. I would of course prefer more than anything to keep you on our list(really, more than anything? I didn’t realize how important our relationship is to you and the rest of the family…I, I, I feel so bad now, what have I done.), because I feel like you offer a very unique perspective. Is there any chance you would like to jump on the phone to discuss the types of communications you are interested in receiving information about (if any)?(Communications? Information? We’re communicating the wrong language here buddy. I’ll give you some free information. I’m talking stuff. Lots of free stuff. Just send me trial versions of loot and I’ll advertise it for you.) This can be a greater conversation that transcends Ford.(Chevy? Because I couldn’t possibly imagine anything that so thoroughly transcends Ford as a nice lifted Chevy Tahoe) I work at Burson-Marsteller(Name dropping huh. (Feeling a little inadequate are we?) with a variety of clients, and I’d hate to reproduce any misstep with you in terms of any further outreach.(Dude, if you recall I offered to give you a reach around. Just give me some loot and I’ll reciprocate. You know you want to.)

Anyways, please feel free to send any questions you may have my way. I look forward to hearing back from you. (Readers, please feel free to send spam his way via his contact info below, he needs it. He really needs it.)

Best, Vinti
Vinti Bhatnagar
Brand Marketing | Burson-Marsteller
vinti.bhatnagar@bm.com
230 Park Avenue South | New York, NY | 10003
t 212.614.5036| c 646.371.5386 | f 212.614.5624

Here’s another e-mail I got today, but have yet to receive a response yet.

E-mail Title: Solar Power for Schools - 5 minutes of your time makes a huge difference!

E-mail content: (Ahhhh, who cares. They wanted me to put a huge badge on my blog which lets people donate money to their company.)

Here is my thoughtful reply to the marketing spammer:

I got a tip for you. How about offer an incentive for the people you are asking to advertise, I mean peddle, your product for free on their sites. Do you really expect me to just jump at the opportunity to advertise for you, with nothing in return? Really? Is that how blog marketing is run? See how many people we can dupe into making us money. Nope. Nope. Nope.

How about, if I put your badge on my site, the one where you are asking people to hand over their hard earned money to a cause which will have very little to no impact on them and their local schools, then in return, the money earned from the badge on my site will go to the local schools in my community. That way,you can still pretend to care about giving to kids, while at the same time, the people whose money you are so gratefully taking....will actually be put to use in those very same peoples communities, rather than some third world shit hole in the gehtto no one cares about.

What do you think? If you are interested in joining my efforts, you can, and it's so simple and easy...

Volunteer Babysitter

She volunteered to babysit for us. My wife’s bosses daughter, a twenty something college graduate living back at home with her parental units. Volunteered.

So far, the only babysitters we have are the grandparents, as they both live nearby. To my…I mean her…I mean our…I mean someone’s gotta be dismayed about that I’m sure. But they do occasionally babysit. Well, my parents are both workaholics, so it’s far and few in between, and her mom is a socialaholic, sooooooo…

But this chick volunteered one day after I brought the kids into the wife’s office for a visit. My wife is teaching her how to be an underwriter. Showing her the ropes. Which is funny, because she will be my wife’s boss one day. So I could say that my wife’s future boss volunteered to watch our two kids.

So sure, why not. Why the hell not.

Now I’m asking myself, why. And why did she ask to watch them again? In fact, she wants to watch them whenever we need her to. Just because. But she’s sort of homely looking. So perhaps she is betting on not being able to have kids any time soon. So she just wants to be around them as much as she can. Who knows? Who really knows these things.

But after our free night out, we went to go pickup the kids at her house. And my boy wouldn’t get up off the couch. He was having fun though. But I knew something was wrong with him. So I reached my hand under his butt, and it was soaked to the bone. Rather, it was soaked to the couch. Right on through the couch too.

Son of a bitch. I mean bitch.

The entire four hours we were gone, she did not once change his diaper. By the time I got there, his dipe was overflowing to the point that it soaked his butt and soaked the couch he was sitting on. Sorry, but there is no way the boy could have held all that in and released it all at once, overflowing his diaper in an instant. That was an accumulation of several leaks. The boy took many, many leeks to get fully dunked as he was.

Who babysits an infant and a baby for four hours, without checking their diapers once? Who! Oh wait, my wifes future boss does. Shit. I can’t really yell at her for that as I would to anyone else. For the sake of the endless credit card in my pocket that is linked to my wife’s bank account which receives checks with our new babysitters mothers signature on it, I am forced to hold my tongue. Son of a bitch.

But should I give her another chance? She genuinely wants to watch our kids, for free. I don’t want her to, if just for the sake of my boys dry pants, but dang, a volunteer college graduate babysitter? That only comes around once in an infant’s life time.